Yeah, so I haven't posted on this blog in more than three years. Why? A lot of reasons. I did have a different blog for a while, but I haven't updated that one in about two years. Why? Life. In the unlikely event that someone will actually read this, here's an update on what's happened since the previous post from three years ago:
- I finished my second BA in Integrated Language Arts in June 2011 having earned a 4.0 every quarter but the first one.
- I also finished my M.Ed. in ILA with a 4.0 in June 2012.
- Cory and I moved to South Carolina so that I could work for my dream school...for seven weeks. The idea was that it would be the way to get my foot in the door which would lead to a full time job the next school year. Nope. Still jobless for the 2013-2014 school year, but I'm working on it.
- Obviously Cory and I are still married and still very happily so. He's now working as a corrections officer in the county sheriff's department. I'm working as a substitute teacher...when I get work. He likes his job for the most part even though it can be very stressful. I...kind of hate subbing because it definitely isn't teaching, but at least I still get to be in the schools and working with kids.
- We adopted a fourth kitty named Inara. She came with the house we're currently renting out in the sticks. She's spunky. We love her.
- I finally got to coach softball this year. I loved it, but it was too short lived.
Anyway, the post is titled history repeating because I went back and read all of my old posts before I started writing, and there seem to be a lot of similarities between three years ago and now. I'm now getting back to the point of not getting to see my husband very much again now that he's back at work. I'm back at trying to lose weight and get healthy again. I'm once again (or still, really) without any close friends to really talk to. I think my adventure to be a teacher took it's toll on a lot of relationships I had. I didn't have time for anyone for such a long time, that everyone kind of just moved on. I guess in some ways it made the decision to leave Ohio a little easier, but the few months before we left still sucked in various ways. Although I have made friends here in South Carolina, I feel like I haven't been able to really open myself up to anybody.
So...now that I'm going on about four years without any really close friends to really open up myself to, I'm starting to feel like I'm drowning in loneliness and maybe even depression. Although I usually feel relatively happy and am still certain that moving here was the right decision, there's just something...wrong. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my current status of under-employment. To work my rear end off for three years with a specific goal in mind, and to still not be able to attain that goal, it's very frustrating. Even taking that into consideration, I know there's something that just isn't right with me. Our house is an unmitigated disaster area, and yet I still have no motivation to clean. I can go to the gym, run 2 miles, and lift weights, but cleaning the house seems to be beyond my capacity right now. I'm probably not putting my full weight behind my job search either. I guess I'm getting so afraid of rejection, that I don't even want to give people the chance to reject me again. I'm coming to the point where I'm seriously considering going to a doctor about it. I have seen a doctor about my anxiety issues before and got a prescription to deal with panic attacks, but somehow this feels different. I don't want to admit that I might have a problem. I feel like it's admitting weakness. I feel like it might make me an unfit teacher. I feel like it's a failure on my part to rely on God. But then there's the part of me that knows that mental illness is a real and uncontrollable thing. It runs in my family, I've known for a while that it was likely to be in my future, but I still just can't bring myself to accept it.
So that's what's on my mind. It isn't as funny or as entertaining as my posts three years ago, but that's where I am right now.
